GOODBYE MR. SMITH©
DATE (May 25, 1994)
Revised (June 7, 1994)
THREE ACTS
ACT I.....................Samantha Smith's office at High School
ACT II....................Audience search
ACT III...................Who dune it at elementary school
CHARACTERS
Samantha 'Sam' Smith:
Private Investigator
Detective Raven:
head detective
Detective Bob Frick:
(assistant detective) speaks in cliches
Detective Bob Frack:
(assistant detective) zings the cliches
Sara Smith:
The (Femme Fatale) wife of the dead Mr. Smith's
Rick Mortis:
mad scientist coroner. Mortis wears a white lab coat and a pocket protector (and maybe nerdy hornrim glasses)
Henry Toto:
Rick Mortis' assistant...a Quasi Moto character.
Chris Smythe:
Girlfriend of the dead Mr. Smith's
Allen 'Smithy' Smith:
Sara Smith's secret admirer
Franklin Stove:
Chef at the restaurant
Also many actors will be needed at the various sites, many will be owners/workers at the stores
SITES
Bookstore:
where at least one of the suspects (Sara Smith) has been buying a lot of murder mysteries. (Sara Smith's secret admirer, Smithy, also bought a book of poisons.)
Coroner's Lab:
either in the school or someplace in town.
Restaurant:
Where Sara Smith and Mr. Smith went to dinner the night of the murder. Probably in the Boathouse, if possible.
Movie Theatre:
Where Sara Smith and Mr. Smith went after dinner.
Chris Smythe's
(The girlfriend's house or work): This is a place to be created. Around the lake somewhere.
Police Station:
Might not be in the actual station, but in the Town Hall, where Det. Raven's office is located.
SCENE I / IN FRONT OF THE CURTAIN
Frick and Frack enter from the end of the stage.
Frick
Well, we got the car parked, lets see if we can help Det. Raven.
Frack
Can you imagine our luck? Our first week as detectives and we are in the middle of a possible murder?
Frick
No kidding! I'm tickled pink.
Frack
I thought that was a suntan. You know, if we were to solve this case, we could be promoted in our first month.
Frick
You're right...I'll scratch your back, if you scratch mine.
Frack
When's the last time you had a manicure?
Frick
Just last week, why do you ask?
Frack
No reason. Let's see, what do we have?
(The stop at center stage)
Mr. Smith dies of some unknown cause at 1 a.m. and his body is found two hours later.
Frick
I think his wife, Sara Smith, did it because of the insurance.
Frack
What about Smith's girlfriend?
Frick
Sara had a girlfriend?
Frack
Not Sara, Mr. Smith's girlfriend, Chris Smythe.
Frick
You mean the Mayor's daughter? I heard she is a looker?
Frack
She is a looker all right, always looking for an opportunity.
Frick
Why would she do it?
Frack
Maybe Mr. Smith dumped her. Maybe just to see if she could get away with it. She is famous for doing things and blaming them on others.
Frick
Who else could have done it?
Frack
First we better find out if it's murder. We haven't heard the coroner's report yet.
Frick
The coroner's report, who boy. Talk about people capable of murder, that coroner is a kook. He's mad as a hatter.
Frack
He's certainly living in wonderland. Look Frick we better catch up with Det. Raven.
(Frick and Frack start walking off stage)
Frick
Yeah, I want to see Raven put the screws to private detective Samantha Smith.
Frack
Are you sure you don't have one loose?
SCENE II / OFFICE OF SMITH & SON
The curtain opens and the stage is set as a private detective office. Backwards on the door is "Smith & Son, Private Investigators" The lights are dim.
Narrator
(After the Narrator says the first line, Samantha Smith walks into the office. She is a shadowy figure in the low light of the office. With her hair tucked into her hat and wearing a suit she should look like a man.)
It was almost noon when I walked into my office. The morning, like it had an overbite, had taken a bite out of the day. Sunlight was filtering through the window like saxophone music played by a social studies teacher with cheap sunglasses.
(Saxophone music starts playing and eventually a social studies teacher, with cheap sunglasses and a porkpie hat, walks onto the corner of the stage)
I was thinking to myself and wondering why I always sound like a man when I think, especially since I'm a woman.
(Samantha takes off her hat and her hair falls down)
Of course when I'm wired on four cups of joe I don't know what I sound like.
After a long night the sun was playing an off-color joke on my head.
(At this point the sax player exaggerates. Samantha walks over to the sax player.)
Samantha
OK, I think we've had enough sun filtering through the window.
(Sax player stops, tips his porkpie hat and walks off stage and Samantha flicks on the lights, walks over to the desk and sits down.)
Narrator
I was seriously considering a little sack time on my desk. While I nodded, nearly napping I heard someone gently rapping.
(Knock on the door and a figure seen through the window)
Rapping at the chamber door.
Samantha
Come in.
Raven
(Detective Raven walks in)
You Smith?
Samantha
Me and 2,000 others in the phone book. I'm Samantha Smith call me Sam, you know, like Spade. What can I do for you cutie pie?
Raven
(Raven holds out a badge)
I am Detective Raven, Lake Placid P.D. I need to ask you some questions...about a client of yours.
Samantha
Well Raven, a pretty boy like you ought to know that shrinks and private eyes don't discuss their clients.
Raven
They do when there's been a murder.
Samantha
Some do, I don't. Who has been aced, lamb chop?
Raven
Mr. Smith.
Samantha
My EX. Good riddance. Let me know who did it, I'll pin a medal on them. That no good two timer had it coming to him.
Raven
Not your Mr. Smith, Sara Smith's Mr. Smith. I believe that name ought to ring a bell.
Frick
Ding.
Frack
Dong.
Frick
We parked the car chief. Can we help you investigate?
Frack
Frick, you bonehead give the chief room to operate.
Frick
Sorry chief, I feel like a fish out of water.
Frack
You're kind of green around the gills as well.
Raven
Why don't you two swim up stream and wait in the squad car.
(Frick and Frack don't leave, but stand in back of the room.)
Samantha
Raven, I see you brought your entourage. Who is Yogi and BooBoo.
Raven
My assistants, Detectives Bob Frick and Bob Frack.
(Frick and Frack step forward and nod.)
They're new to the detective force....I'm in charge of...training them.
Samantha
Well sweetheart, do you have Twiddle Dee and Twiddle Dum holding down the fort at the precinct?
Raven
Funny Sam, what do you know about about Sara Smith.
Samantha
I never heard of her.
Sara
(Enters through the open door.)
Samantha, Samantha a horrid, horrid thing just happened. My husband is dead.
Raven
Apparently she has heard of you.
Samantha
Oh, that Sara Smith, there are so many Smiths.
(Frick goes over and holds Sara's hand.)
Frick
Are you OK? You poor dear, you look like death warmed over.
Frack
Frick don't get your microwave working, she's a suspect in a murder.
Raven
(Goes over to Sara.)
You do look kind of peaked, like you have been up all night, do you have an alibi for the time of your husbands death...approximately 1 a.m.?
Sara
(Thinks for a second.)
I was home in bed reading.
Raven
Can anybody confirm that.
Sara
No. I was alone.
Samantha
Get to the point Raven. Mr. Smith died at 1 a.m., but you haven't said how, was it murder?
Raven
You're right Sam, I didn't say he was murdered. Very perceptive, you should be a lawyer.
Samantha
In my profession, honey bunch, it pays to notice things.
Raven
Right now all we know is Mr. Smith died at 1 a.m., but we don't know how. For the moment it's just a death.
Rick
It's murder I tell you. Murder!
(Rick Mortis enters the room carrying a clipboard. Mortis has wild eyes and walks around the room as he talks.)
I suspected it and my tests prove it. Very very devious I might add. Whoever killed Mr. Smith wanted him dead. The killer was very thorough. This person knew what they were doing. A perfectionist. I admire that. If you are going to do something you should do it well.
Samantha
Raven, who is this?
Raven
The coroner.
Samantha
Raven, what is a good looking man like you working with? First you bring in a detective team of nick and knack,
Frick
That's Frick
Frack
And Frack.
Samantha (continues)
Now you have Doogie Howser High School Coroner.
Raven
His name is Rick Mortis and though he is young....and kind of eccentric...he's a genius in the area of death.
Rick
And murder! I'm a genius in murder as well. I bet I know a hundred ways to kill someone.
Raven
What do you have Mortis.
Rick
It wasn't easy. I had to take Mr. Smith's liver and put it in a blender and put it on puree. You ever see a liver after it's been in a blender? It's a fascinating color of red. It's quite like a Stephen King novel. Or maybe a McDonald's milk shake. A red one, so it would be a valentine shake.
Sara
Please!!! This is my husband you are talking about!
Raven
Could you get to the point?
Rick
Point? Yes of course. Mr. Smith was poisoned with a slow reacting chemical.
Raven
So even though Mr. Smith died at 1 a.m. the actual murdering happened earlier. What time?
Rick
I'm not sure, I want to do more tests, I'll have to stick the liver back in the blender. I thought you'd like to know it was a murder before I did anymore experiments.
Raven
Thanks Mortis, get back to work.
(Rick leaves.)
This brings us back to Sara Smith and what her involvement is in this.
Sara
I didn't do it. I was reading a book.
Raven
What kind of book? One on poisons?
Sara
No, it was a....a murder mystery.
Raven
Figures. How about coming to the station for some questions? Frick, Frack take her to the car.
Frick and Frack
Sure thing.
Sara
Samantha, what should I do?
Samantha
Call your lawyer and don't say anything to the police. Meanwhile I'll continue to work on the case.
(Frick, Frack and Sara leave)
Raven
Sam, what do you know about this case.
Samantha
Only what you've told me.
Raven
Don't give me that. If you were working for Sara Smith, you were probably tailing her husband and you probably know about Chris Smythe.
Samantha
Sure I know Smythe, she's the mayor's daughter.
Raven
You know what I mean; Smythe was involved with Mr. Smith.
Samantha
Are you sure it wasn't Smith involved with Smythe? But say I might know that. What's in this for me if I do lover boy?
Raven
Things might go a little easier for your client if you're willing to work with us.
(Raven heads for the door.)
Samantha
I'll keep that in mind.
Raven
(Looking at the door.)
The door says, 'Smith and Son' where is the son.
Samantha
You don't need to be an astrologer to know the sun is in the sky.
Raven
(Turns back to Sam.)
If only you could dumb down that smart mouth of yours a little bit.....You know I could really go for you.
Samantha
Pretty boy you're not just saying that to get me to talk are you?
Raven
Maybe....but it's still dancing no matter who leads.
Samantha
Ok, I'll cha-cha. I followed Mr. Smith last night. After he and Mrs. Smith had dinner and went to the movies. Mr. Smith slipped out about 11:30 p.m. I don't know what he did. He must have realized I was tailing him, because he gave me the slip.
Raven
Sara Smith didn't hire you to dispose of her husband did she?
Samantha
Baby cakes, are you saying I'm a suspect?
Raven
Right now anything is possible. I'm hoping you're not involved, but if you are I'll be there. If you're not, maybe we'll have dinner and laugh about this.
(Raven exits. Sam goes over and turns on the radio. Teacher with sunglasses plays some saxophone.)
Smithy
(From off stage)
Ow, Ow, that hurts let go. Let go.
(Smithy and Smythe enter, with Smythe holding Smithy's ear. She pushes him down on the couch. The music stops.)
Stoves
I want you to keep this boy of yours away from me.
Samantha
(Nonchalantly)
Smithy, keep away from her.
Stoves
I'm serious Sam, I'm tired of you and this boy following me around.
Samantha
I've been hired to keep an eye on you and Mr. Smith.
Stoves
Well that's over.
Samantha
I'll say, now that he's going to be pushing up petunias.
Stoves
What?
Samantha
Det. Raven was just in here, him and his whole cast. Raven informed me that Mr. Smith had his final affair. You look surprised...is that method acting?
Where was Mr. Smith headed after he left your place last night?
Stoves
Home, to his loving wife, but how do you know he was at my place.
Samantha
I'm a detective, my business is knowing. Have any reason why he didn't make it home?
Stoves
No.
Samantha
You give him anything to eat or drink.
Stoves
A diet Pepsi. He didn't drink it, he was in a hurry to get home to that ditzy wife of his.
Smithy
She's not ditzy.
Stoves
Easy there thumper, or I'll stretch your other ear.
(Smithy cringes and holds his ear.)
Samantha
Why didn't Mr. Smith stay his usual two hours?
Stoves
Because he came over to inform me that we were through. I knew it was coming in fact I told Smithy as much last week at the post office.
Samantha
So you put a powder in Mr. Smith's drink?
Stoves
No. why should I care, there are plenty of men in this town.
Samantha
But few who have the money to publish your poetry.
Stoves
So my poetry doesn't get published. People don't kill over poetry.
Samantha
People don't....but you would.
Stoves
What does that mean?
Samantha
It means I don't think there is anything below you.
Stoves
Why you...
(Smythe lunges across the room at Sam, but Smithy trips her. Smythe falls on her face and Smithy gets up and puts his foot on her back pinning her.)
Samantha
Good work Smithy, I knew one day you'd get the hang of detective work.)
Smithy
Thanks ma.
(CURTAIN)
SCENE III / IN FRONT OF THE CURTAIN
Frick and Frack enter from the end of the stage.
Frick
I can't believe Raven thinks Sara Smith did it. A woman that wonderful would never kill anyone.
Frack
Frick, you gotta start thinking with your head and quit thinking with your heart.
Frick
I can't help it she has me hook, line and sinker.
Frack
You better find a new tackle box.
Frick
I'd like to take her out and paint the town red.
Frack
Didn't you flunk out of art school?
Frick
Who do you think did it?
Frack
I think it was that Smithy character
Frick
You got rocks in your head?
Frack
No, but I wouldn't pass up a good deal on a frontend loader. I think Smithy is like you, besides being a little slow, he has a crush on Sara Smith and would do anything to make her his, including killing Mr. Smith.
Frick
But they are both Smiths, aren't they related?
Frack
Frick, this is Lake Placid, everyone has the same name, but no one admits to being related. Besides, do you know what book Smithy was seen buying at the bookstore?
Frick
No what?
Raven
(From off stage)
Frick! Frack! Get over here.
Frack
We better get going.
Frick
Yeah, Raven is hotter than spit on the griddle.
Frack
Frick, remind me not to eat eggs at your house.
(Frack and Frick hurry off stage)
SCENE IV / OFFICE OF SMITH & SON
The curtain opens and is set as a private detective office. Samantha is sitting at her desk.
Narrator
Once again I find myself in my office, with only the sun for company.
(Saxophone music starts.)
It would be nice if the sun could change it's tune once in a while. My son Smithy is off keeping an eye on Sara Smith, a job that he takes a little too much interest in. I'm here in the office dreaming about the raven....
(There is a knock on the door...it is Det. Raven, who stands at the open door. Saxophone fades)
Samantha
Come in.
(Sam notices Raven and stands up at her desk.)
Take thy beak from out of my heart...Raven, come in.
Raven
Sam I need to talk to you.
Samantha
Beefcake, you can talk me silly. Just start spinning your lips and I get dizzy.
Raven
Sam you have a way with words...I like that.
Samantha
And I like when the sun hits your face and gives me a radiant glow...
(Saxophone starts softly. Sam crawls over her desk.)
like Charlie Parker having a nuclear meltdown.
Raven
Sam you're bending my knees, your flapjacking my brain...you have a saxophone doing solos in my heart.
(Saxophone picks up the beat. Raven and Sam starts dancing. Shortly after they are dancing Frick and Frack enter through the open door.)
Frick
Chief, is she hurting you? Do you need some help?
Frack
Frick can't you see, the boss is just looking for weapons.
(Raven and Sam stop dancing and part. The music stops.)
Raven
Didn't I tell you two to wait in the car?
Frick
Sorry boss, we didn't know you wanted to make doll eyes with the gumbo.
Frack
That's gumshoe. Frick you are about as smooth as the silk in a pigs ear.
Raven
It's time for you two to start putting dots on dominos.
(He turns back to Sam.)
Like I said, I need to ask you some questions?
Samantha
(Sam walks across the room, between Raven and the assistant detectives. She turns and faces Raven, with her back to Frick and Frack.)
Romeo, ask in braille and I'll read your lips.
Raven
First, where were you the night of the murder.
Samantha
I told you I was following Mr. Smith.
Raven
Right, but give me the scenario.
Samantha
You and me, a fire blazing in our hearts....
Raven
No, tell me what happened the night of the murder.
Samantha
Sure doe eyes. First the Smiths went to the Boathouse...about 5:30 p.m. They had a couple beverages at the bar, then they had dinner.
Raven
Did you notice anything or anyone unusual at the Boathouse?
Frack
Yeah, like Smithy putting poison in some food?
Frick
Or Chris Smythe sprinkling powder into a drink?
Raven
(Looks back at the two.)
Could you two go play the stuffed teddy bear game.
(Turns back to Sam.)
Well....?
Samantha
(She occasionally looks at Frick and Frack as if she is answering them as much as Raven.)
My son was working at the Palace, but Smythe did stop in, briefly, to pick up a takeout order.
Around seven the Smiths left and went to the Palace to see a movie. They were home around 9:30 p.m.
Raven
Did they eat or drink anything at the Palace?
Samantha
I know what you're thinking Raven. They both had small cokes and a box of popcorn, but my son didn't serve them. The mortician took care of them.
Frick and Frack
WHAT!!!!
Samantha
The owner of the theatre.
Raven
So you think your son is innocent?
Samantha
Raven, this is Lake Placid, only the mountains are innocent and sometimes I question that, but my son didn't do it.
Raven
Am I suppose to forget a murder happen here? Blame it on the some visitor entreating entrance at the chamber door...?
(Henry Toto enters the room and walks through the office eyeing up the people in the room in a stiff Quasi Moto kind of way.)
HENRY TOTO:
Did I hear a bell ring....
Samantha
I think you want the penthouse. Raven he must be another one of your precinct intellectuals.
Raven
Funny Sam.
Rick
Henry,
(Mortis enters and starts petting Henry.)
there you are. I thought you got lost
He's not very smart you know, but he's dependable. As long as you don't light the bunsen burner he's the best employee. Few people can spend eight hours a day cutting up dead people, surprisingly some people don't like it, not Henry Toto, he understands the value of a dissected pancreas. In fact just yesterday he worked overtime to help me put Mr. Smith's kidneys in a centrifuge.
(Henry and Mortis nods)
Round and round, it looked like spin art. We were intrigued.
(Henry and Mortis rotate their heads.)
Raven
Mortis, were did you learn all this?
Rick
Frank Johns, the man is a freakin' genius.
(Henry and Mortis nod. Mortis takes out some gummy worms and feeds them to Henry.)
Raven
Mortis, is there a reason you are here or did you just come to take my appetite away.
Rick
(He offers Raven some of the worms, Raven declines.)
I've narrowed the time down to between 6:30 and 8 O'clock.
Raven
Do yo think you could narrow that time down anymore?
Rick
Probably, but I will have to put Mr. Smith's brain in a vice.
(Henry and Mortis nods.)
Raven
I don't suppose that will be a problem for you?
(Henry and Mortis shakes their heads "no.")
Well? Get on it.
Rick
All right. Lets go Henry.
Henry
Back to the Lab-ra-tor-y.
(Henry and Mortis leave.)
Samantha
Raven, I suggest you tighten up the hiring policy at the station. I know you are an equal opportunity employer, but geeish!!
Raven
When did Mr. Smith leave his house the second time.
Samantha
About 11:00 he slipped out and went to Sara Smythe's place for ten minutes.
Raven
And then you lost him.
Samantha
He jumped in a cab and I couldn't follow him, I was on foot.
Raven
Which cab company?
Samantha
I don't know, there are a million cab companies in Lake Placid. It was a dingy cab with a tail light missing.
Raven
That describes most of the cabs in town.
Samantha
I suspected Mr. Smith went to Smythe's place, but when I got over there he wasn't.
Raven
So, Mr. Smith had no contact with Smythe on the night of the murder.
Samantha
Actually, after he got off work he went over to Smythe's place for about 20 minutes, at about 4:30.
Raven
I'm not sure if that's important, it's well before the poison window, but thanks for the info.
Samantha
I have a question for you honeybuns; Where did you find the body?
Raven
(Raven adjusts his sports coat.)
I worked out in the gym.
Samantha
I meant where was Mr. Smith's body found?
Raven
I'd like to tell you, but I can't release that information, If you come down to the station I'll show you some photos of the corpse.
Samantha
I just might take you up on that offer.
(Sara Smith enters.)
Sara
I just met that coroner and his monster in the hall. Tell me it isn't true....is he going to put my husbands brain in a vice?
(She collapses on the sofa, Frick goes and consoles her.)
Samantha
I'm sorry to say, but it's true. They are trying to find out the exact time Mr. Smith was poisoned.
Raven
You could save us the trouble and confess to the crime.
Samantha
Golden lips, why don't you go easy on the girl, you don't have any evidence to warrant that behavior.
Raven
Sara Smith was with her husband during the whole time he could have been poisoned and she had the most to gain from his death. Maybe you don't know this, but Mr. Smith took out a million dollar life insurance policy two months before his death.
Samantha
There are other motives than money to kill a man.
Raven
Like what?
Samantha
There's love and desire, money is the cheap way out.
Sara
I wouldn't kill my husband for all the money in the world.
Raven
For what would you kill him?
Sara
I wouldn't kill him?
Raven
That's easy to say. My men and I are working hard on this case. We will find the killer and the motive. Until then, you can count on a police escort.
Frick
(Jumping up)
I'll do it, I'll do it. You can count on me boss. I won't let her out of my sight.
Frack
Frick, settle down, you're jumping around like you have feathers in your pants.
Raven
(Rolls his eyes and shakes his head.)
OK. Frick, you watch the girl and Frack, you watch Frick. If you two screw up you will be back to issuing tickets to overparked tourists faster than you can say, "welcome to Lake Placid."
Frick
Where would you like to go Ms. Smith?
Sara
Home.
Frick
I'll turn the siren on and get you home faster than greased lightning.
Frack
Frick, you got aluminum in your microwave?
(Frick, Frack and Sara leave.)
Raven
Now where were we?
Samantha
(Moving closer)
The saxophone was in your heart and you were in my arms.
(The music starts and they start to dance, but Raven pushes Sam back and moves to the door. The music stops.)
Raven
No. I've got a case to solve.
Samantha
So it's murder first, romance second. Is that how it is doll face?
Raven
Please don't tempt me, I might fall and drag us both down.
Samantha
Don't worry kitten, I'll bring the parachute.
Raven
I'm sure you'll bring the parachute and a couple F-111 fighter jets, but I have to leave.
Samantha
See you around candy lips.
(Raven leaves, as he walks out Smithy crawls/falls through the window.)
Smithy, what are you doing? I told you to follow Chris Smythe.
Smithy
(Crawls behind the desk.)
I am. She's coming up the stairs, I just came up the fire exit.
Stoves
(Knocks and enters.)
All right, where is he?
Samantha
Who?
Stoves
That little pip son of yours.
Samantha
Why what's wrong?
Stoves
(Looks around the room, then sees Smithy behind the desk.)
There you are.
Smithy
(Smithy stands up holding a jellybean.)
There it is, I've been looking for this jellybean for a week now. Never thought I would find it on the ground.
(Pops it in his mouth.)
Stoves
Smithy, you are allergic to sugar.
Samantha
(Smithy starts gagging and coughs out the jellybean.)
Smithy, go to your desk.
(Smithy goes and sits at the little desk.)
Smythe, what's your problem?
Stoves
I told you I wanted you off my back. If you just opened your eyes you might see that it's Smithy and Sara Smith who you should suspect of murder.
Smithy
Leave Sara out of this, she is innocent.
Stoves
Smithy you can't hide your desire for Sara Smith, it's obvious you thought she would be yours if Mr. Smith was out of the picture.
Samantha
Smythe, you keep forgetting that you are also a suspect in this murder.
Stoves
Just because I was "involved" with Mr. Smith doesn't make me a murderer.
Samantha
But poisoning the man would.
Stoves
How....or why would I poison Mr. Smith.
Samantha
That is what Smithy and I are trying to solve, but it's obvious you are coldhearted enough to do it. What is it the men around town call you....Black Widow? Isn't that the spider that kills her mate?
Stoves
Sounds like you are a little jealous, what happen, did Raven turn you down....again?
Samantha
I think we can leave Raven out of this conversation.
Stoves
Hmmm....I guess if you had wanted to see more of Raven, murdering Mr. Smith would be the solution.
Smithy
You have quite an imagination.
Samantha
And you are the one with the motive to do away with Mr. Smith.
Stoves
Why would I do him in?
Samantha
I told you before, you knew Mr. Smith was a publisher. Since you lacked talent, he was the only way you could get your book published. He's not the first man you have used for your own personal gain.
Stoves
Just because my father is the mayor doesn't mean I've gained from his position.
Smithy
Didn't he line you up a job as a manager at WalMart?
Stoves
There isn't a WalMart in town!
Samantha
But if your dad and his political friends pulled a few strings, you'd be the queen of low-cost retail.
Stoves
It must be nice to live in your own little world.
Smithy
Almost as nice as thinking you could get away with murder.
Stoves
Drop dead.
Samantha
Careful, you're already a suspect in one murder.
Stoves
I'm leaving.
(Heads for the door and stops.)
But I am warning you, keep that doofess son of yours away from me.
(Smythe exits.)
Smithy
You think she did it mom?
Samantha
First I want to know if you or Sara are involved.
Smithy
(Stands up from the desk, but first gets caught in the desk.)
You don't think I did it?
Samantha
(Thinks for a second.)
I don't think you're capable, but I also know you are crazy about Sara Smith. I'd like to think neither of you did it, but I know both of you had the opportunity. And I know if you didn't, you would cover for her...Isn't that right?
(Smithy and Sam stare across the stage at each other.)
(CURTAIN)
SCENE V / IN FRONT OF THE CURTAIN
Det. Raven walks to center stage and appeals to audience for help.
Raven
As you can see, I can't depend on my police force to solve this murder. I need your help. You should all have a clue book. Inside the clue book is some information about the various sites in town that you can get information. you won't have time to get to all the sites, so pick and choose. Ask a lot of questions at each site and don't believe everything you hear. Some of the people at the clue sites will give you information that has nothing to do with the case.
The book has a place to write down clues. If you don't have a pen or pencil there is a machine on the second floor or you might want to make the Book Store Plus one of your first stops.
At 4:15 p.m. people at the clue sites will stop talking. At that time you will be bussed back to the High School. When you board the bus you will be asked to turn in the last page of your clue book. Make sure you list who you think did the murder and why. At the High School, dinner will be served. Rick Mortis is going to be cooking up something special.
The play will conclude after dinner and there will be a drawing from all the correct winners.
Good luck and one last clue: the butler did not do it.
SCENE VI/ IN FRONT OF THE AUDIENCE
Someplace in front of the audience the murder site is set up.
Raven
I've brought you all together for two reasons.
Reason number one is I know who killed Mr. Smith and I figured you would all like to know.
Reason number two is, according to rule 217b of the murder mystery handbook, everyone is suppose to be present in the last scene.
Stoves
Yeah, but man I got places to go and things to do.
Raven
Who is this?
Frick
He's the cook from the restaurant.
Raven
Yeah, right. By careful deduction I've come to the conclusion it is.....
Stoves
So what is it going to be?
Raven
I'm trying telling you?
Stoves
No, I don't care who did it, I want to go play guitar with Slappy Joe and then spin some records at the pirate radio station.
Raven
Well then go...Who am I to stop you?
Stoves
Add - E - Oats.
(Stoves leaves.)
Raven
I've come to the conclusion it is.....
EVERYONE
Yes....?
Raven
Smithy. Sorry to break the news to you Sam. Hope you won't hold it against me.
Smithy slipped into the theatre and in the darkness he sprinkled the poison into Mr. Rice's coke.
Samantha
But you are wrong, mon senior charm pop. Smithy didn't poison Mr. Smith's coke.
Raven
And who do you think did?
Samantha
Mr. Smith poisoned himself.
Raven
Are you saying this was a suicide?
Samantha
Sort of, but it was assisted suicide, and of course Mr. Smith was an unknowing victim.
Raven
Could you give me a clue to what you are taking about?
Samantha
Sure love puppy, as you may or may not know, Mr. Smith carried his own salt shaker with his own special seasoning, so when he seasoned his meal at the restaurant he was poisoning himself.
Rick
He's right you know. I found traces of the poison in the shaker.
Raven
Why didn't you tell me?
Rick
Henry told Frick, I thought he would tell you.
(Henry nods.)
Frick
I'm sorry boss, I thought Henry was pulling my leg.
Frack
Is that why you've been walking in circles?
Frick
Frack give me a break I just put my foot in my mouth.
Frack
(Everyone pauses and turns their heads towards Frack, who walks around like he is thinking.)
When's the last time you've had a pedicure?
Raven
Will you two shut up.
(Rolls his eyes and turns back to Sam.)
Even so, the evidence still points to Smithy. He is the one who bought the book on poisons.
Samantha
Bought and lost, cookie lips.
Raven
The fact that we don't have the book doesn't let him off the hook.
Samantha
It will if you look in Chris Smythe's garbage can.
Stoves
What?!?
Samantha
Smithy might have been thinking murder, but after buying the book he went to the post office and ran into Chris Smythe. After talking to her Smithy set the book down and she picked it up while he was picking up some packages for me.
Stoves
(Frick and Frack grab Smythe and she struggles.)
How did you know that?
Samantha
Wouldn't you like to know?
(Walks over to Raven.)
Impressed?
Raven
Like a pair of trousers that have just returned from the Hidy Ho Dry Cleaners.
Frick, Frack, take her down to the station and book her.
(Frick, Frack and Smythe leave.)
How did you figure that out.
Samantha
Maybe we ought to get together, over a little saxophone music, and I'll tell you, sunshine man.
(Lights dim.)
THE END
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